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characters
ShinyDonkey.com's Lame Characters
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Bull
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| Oklahoma City residents gaze in wonder as Bull shows off his erection -- from Russia! |
In the late '90s, scientists began experimenting with cloning. They started with a sheep... then a cat... then they took the next logical step -- a schlong!
But something went wrong with this third experiment and the cloned unit grew wildly out of control, sprouting arms, legs and a moppy hair-do.
The creature broke free and wandered the Earth in search of emotionally destructive relationships. After years of self-imposed exile, the hideous lab beast returned to America and fell asleep on a couch.
A few college girls were drawn to him and did what anyone would do -- they shaved his head.
Awaking from his slumber hours later, the creature wandered into a 7-11 looking for condoms.
A little boy in the store shouted "Hey, that bald guy looks like Bull -- from Night Court!" Nodding, the boy's mother just drooled.
Endowed with the name "Bull" (and a Bull-like endowment), the creature left the store and signed a lucrative "Silly costumes, poses & scenarios" contract with ShinyDonkey.com.
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Billy
Billy is often confused for Bull, but insists that he is "nothing like that tree-hugging sonuvabitch."
At one time, Billy was simply Bull's third leg. But Billy grew weary of protest marches and sit-ins, preferring drunken bar crawls and date rape.
One day, Billy detached from Bull and went out on his own. After a few days, he even sprouted his own arms and legs.
Bull was traumatized at first, but like a lizard who loses his tail, Bull managed to regrow a new, more faithful appendage.
Billy rents Bull's abandoned apartment for 3 dollars a month (which Bull pays).
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Ram
Ram used to be a lot like Bull, but the two have grown apart in recent years. Where Bull is silly & nice, Ram is stern & standoff-ish. Also, he hates minorities.
Some quick facts about Ram:
- Ram likes quiet, self-inflicted misery and long walks in the rain.
- Ram may or may not speak English, but he is very good at grunting.
- Ram and Bull have never been seen together and they may actually be the same person.
- Bull created Ram in early 2002 in a be-consciencing experiment gone wrong.
- Rams also goes by "@$$hole", "$#ithead" and "stupid mother&#$&$*er."
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Jack
In the same way that Ram is the A-hole counterpart of Bull, Jack is the anti-Billy.
Since Billy is a pretty big jerk to begin with, Jack is constantly struggling to outdo him. For example:
When Billy robbed a bank, Jack robbed two banks.
When Billy ran over a squirrel with his car, Jack ran over a deer.
When Billy shoplifted a candy bar, Jack ass-raped the Pooh Bear.
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Nick
Bull created Nick in the summer of 2003 as part of a bizarre social experiment. Growing up in a lab deprived Nick of needed social skills, so he doesn't get along with any of Bull's friends and, like a jealous husband, has advised Bull to "stay the #$&% away from them."
Nick is driven by money, clothing & gas-guzzling cars -- and he has a #$$%-load of all 3.
He hired 10 Mexican immigrants @ 4 cents / day to build his 12 acre estate, then contacted INS to have them deported before they could collect their $13.12.
He owns 7 solid gold suits and often brags to neighbors about his fleet of 30 Hummers.
Nick is able to afford his extravagant lifestyle thanks to incredibly unethical business techniques. Working 90 hours / week gives him a significant advantage over his peers (most of this time is spent hacking into his co-workers' computers to steal credit card information, which funds his growing empire).
Unlike many of his friends & enemies, Nick has only two legs, having lost the third leg to James Bond in a high-stakes game of Baccarat.
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Jimmy
One day, Bull accidentally took the wrong subway train and ended up in Hell. In his 5 day journey to the 9th ring, Bull was confronted by all of the souls that he'd wronged in his life.
One of those poor souls was Jimmy, a man-sized condom whose head was ripped open by Bull in early 2002.
After a week in Hell, Bull & Jimmy reconciled and decided to hitchhike back to Earth. Jimmy was hit by a car on an overpass and was left for dead. No one is quite sure how, but Jimmy reappeared in early 2004. Says Jimmy: "Condoms just have a way of resurfacing sometimes."
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| Alex
Whenever Alex leaves his delapidated house, he has to keep an eye out for Bull. For though Bull is a pacifist,
his hatred of Alex is so great that in the past 3 years, he has tried to kill him at least 45 times. Bull once hid in Alex's bathtub with
a yard of piano wire, hoping to catch him unawares. Luckily, Alex's wife came home early and Bull simply had sex with her instead.
Some speculate that Bull's murderous ways have to do with Alex's constant ribbing of Bull, but it is more likely that Bull is just a #$&$.
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Nate
Nate has very sensitive sensibilities and it doesn't take much for him to cry. Friends often compare him to a sad Native American stereotype, known to shed a solitary tear for the disrespect of nature, the white man's greed & just about everything Bull does.
If he can clear parole, there are rumors that Nate will open a pretentious sandwich shop with Stan the Carrot. Potential sandwich shop names include Monsieur LePain's Petite Sandwiche Shoppe, Birthin' Hips and Jooblayger. Or he may go into real estate with Jimmy the Used Condom.
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More bios coming soon!!! Sound clips for all characters coming soon!!! Bull is gay!!!
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